I would like to start off the blog today with a statement that is very much me! I KNOW WHAT THE KIDS ARE INTO! That being said I’d like to point out something I noticed the other day while at the gym. The radio was playing a Pop Song written by a guy named “James Blunt”. Right now he is kind of a big thing, I think. Anyway his title song off his album is named “High”. Now call me old fashioned but I don’t thing a guy with the last name “Blunt” should write a song called “High”! I don’t know maybe it’s just me and if you saw that coming thank you for being patient.
So like I said I was at the gym the other day, lifting weights and doing the cardio, because I care about my cardiovascular health. Plus swimsuit season is quickly approaching and I want to look my best because I like the occasional fatty cake. I mean who doesn’t and if you don’t you’re lying! You know what I’m talking about those little oatmeal cookie things filled with that gelatinous ectoplasmic white matter that seems to never move no matter how hard you shake them. Which I’m sure is packed with enough calories to kill an elephant and enough sugar to power a daycare center for a month. But the fatty cake lovers of America can’t seem to pack them a way fast enough. Hence the reason I’m in the gym, plus I got to sculpt my guns every now and then, you understand.
So there I am in the gym and I’ve noticed that there are a couple of different personalities at the gym, the first is what I am a “grunter”, we’re quite we work out hard and then we leave, modestly and humbly. We may make some noise from time to time, but that’s to let you know we’re trying hard. Then there are “hangers”, I hate these people, they’re worse than Barrel People because they just don’t sit there staring at everyone, they do it on the machine I want to use. Then they get all they’re FUNK on everything! Just sweating all over the place, oozing vegetable oil or some thick pasty substance that I could handle if it were normal sweat, but no way. I think they use that stuff to lubricate elevators or something, I shudder every time I have to think about it.
Then there are the “knuckle draggers”, you know who I’m talking about. They guys whose only hobby in life is working out and talking about working out. Now I’m all in favor of people being healthy but come, on read a book or something! And they never have names either, they are all “Dude, Buddy, or Bro” or some sort of variation there of. For example here is a sample conversation in which I witnessed just a few hours ago and it all occurred at a volume that I found unacceptable. This was altered in no way by me; it’s an actual conversation between two grown adults.
“Dude, Bro Good Set”
“Thanks Bro”
“Dude, Gonna gonna get a Aquafina”
“Buddy, hook it up!”
“No problem Brosif, look out for the air mail!”
(At this point the bottle of water is literally thrown across the gym)… (Oh yeah if you didn’t know Aquafina is a brand of bottle water, little knowledge nugget for you)
“Got Buddninator, thanks!”
“Dudeinski chug it Bro time for another set”
“Would his Dudeness like a spot?”
“ For sure Dude”
“Thanks Buddy”
"DUDE"
"BUDDY"
"BRO"
I would also like to add that there are only two people involved in this conversation, questions of gender I will leave up to your imagination. I have no real problem with what happened, it just happened at a volume in which I couldn’t help feel like I was some how intimately involved. I have to admit I’ve been accused of being loud in the past, but good gracious man turn the volume down.
Plus the two in question are the size of a pair of small commercial refrigerators, the type of guys who’d have to use horse sedatives in order to help them sleep at night. And they’re always throwing the weights around so they make a ridiculously loud noise. It’s really a way of letting everyone in the gym know that, “Hey I’m Strong”. Yeah we figured that out Einstein when you were bench pressing the Pepsi Truck a minute ago. Still I’m not what the kids call “A Player-Hater” but honestly I soon will be.
What happened next was completely unnecessary and it happens on a daily basis in every gym across the country. The problem with knuckle draggers is that when they work out, they just don’t talk loudly, they scream at one another, all the time. Here is what I mean.
AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! One.
(DUDE YOU GOT IT)
AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGAAAGAAAGGGGHHhJENNIFERLOPEZaAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!! Two.
(PUSH IT, PUSH IT) Dude he’s pushing it, can’t you hear him screaming!
And so forth. Whether or not this is done on purpose I cannot say, but the whole gym stops to watch because it sounds like a couple water buffaloes going into labor! I actually had to stop what I was doing and go get a first aid kit because I thought someone hurt themselves with all the yelling. Let me tell you if you never seen two shaved gorillas working out with nothing but those wash cloth esk gym towels that are provided, then the event can be a little unnerving, unless your prepared! But I’m trying not to hate. I love to work out, but shut up already and Dude get me an Aquafina!
Okay in comment to Emileeee..eh HEM...I wear BRA TOPS (no hot pants THANKS) and I do wear
make-up...but I work my azz out TOO....HUMPH!
PJ's SISTER here...
Posted by: AMY aka big LITTLE sis | March 06, 2006 at 01:37 PM
PJ. Maybe it's cause you're in the army or some shit and that's why you have forgotten about one of the most hallowed gym stereotypes. I realize there aren't that many girls present in your gym, especially not the kind of which I will describe, but no gymrat discussion would be complete without taking note of the GIRLS WHO WEAR MAKEUP TO THE GYM. and that's pretty much all they're wearing, because bra tops and hot pants don't really qualify as outerwear in my book. the latest version of this timeless stereotype, as I have noticed while frequenting the gym in downtown Raleigh, is the girls who get spray-tans and lipo just to go the gym. it's a scary world out there be glad you are in Iraq if only so you won't have to witness this firsthand.
xoxoxoxo you're blog is almost as funny as you are in person!
Posted by: Emileeeeeee! | March 04, 2006 at 07:56 AM
Hey Pj, You are amazing becuase you keep us laughing even from all the way across the world. We think of you and Melanie often. Please email us if you want us to send you anything :)
Posted by: Johan and Traci | March 01, 2006 at 11:46 AM
OMG!!!!! This was the funniest one YET!!!!! It reminds me of the gym in high school with all of us working out and playing these little parts.... Hilarious!!!!!
Stay safe Brohammer, and flip me an Aqua while yer at it!!!!!
Posted by: Chris | February 28, 2006 at 10:20 AM
I thought I taught you better than to cuss in public, young man! "Exercise". Tsk. Such nasty language.
LMAO!
Love you loads, Sonshine!
Posted by: Yo Mama | February 26, 2006 at 09:35 AM
I am the silent, go in work out and slip out, kinda girl. I like getting there at 5AM when they open up so I don't have to see anyone... or be seen! Thanks for sharing this comedic view of your gym experience.
Posted by: Cherry Cola | February 25, 2006 at 01:23 PM
I soo know the ones you mean...whatever happened to simply working out...being considerate...and move on!!!...lol..Everything has to be so fadish nowadays...lol..you got em down pat...this was hillarious..hope you are well...and keeping ya head up...or down..whichever is best !!...smile..peace and love to you all over seas...Your newly adopted play sis...Monique...
Posted by: Monique ( Creole_Masala ) | February 24, 2006 at 12:57 PM
Great reads! You typify one of my all-time favorite quotes:
"Life is far too important a thing to ever speak of it seriously." Oscar Wilde
Bob
Posted by: Bob | February 24, 2006 at 07:39 AM
HA HA HA! You know I love the GYM..that was FREAKING HILARIOUS...and SOOOOOOOOO TRUE!!! Ha haha ha ha ha!
funny...funny...funny stuff...LOL
(love u and miss u like bananas) xoxoxoxxo MUAH!
Posted by: AMY aka big LITTLE sis | February 23, 2006 at 12:12 PM